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I don’t know why I’m not.. I’m just not. 

It’s not like I have a reason to be upset, I just am. I don’t know. Maybe the depression is worse then they think? I wish Trellis would fucking call back so I can get on my fucking anti anxiety meds and my anti depressants. I can’t keep having nightly anxiety attacks, they scare the shit out of me. I’m scared there’s going to be something seriously wrong with me.. I don’t know, but I have a feeling that there really is something wrong..

I hate being this angry all the time. It makes me more angry that I always am angry. I hate feeling this way. I hate pushing people away as soon as they get close.. I really don’t know what I can do about it though. It’s every single fucking time. And I don’t try it, it just happens. I’m starting to think that I’m actually supposed to be single for the rest of my life, or at least until the end of High School.

Maybe that would be better anyway. The sooner I get out of this shit hole town and into College, the better. I honestly wish I could just fast forward to senior year. I don’t want to have to deal with another two years of bullshit drama that revolve around the same people. 

Everybody’s telling me to just “be happy” and to “cheer up”. Well if I fucking could, I would. But I can’t. I don’t even get excited about anything anymore. I feel like such a bitch because I just don’t give a fuck about anything. I’m so rude to people all the time, and that’s really not who I am..

I don’t want to root all my problems back to him but it seems as though after everything happened between him and I, everything went into a downward spiral. I became more depressed, started getting the anxiety attacks, and started pushing people away. This has been going on for almost a year and I really just want it to fucking go away. I’m so fucking sick of it.